Craving control is part of being human. We all want to be the master of our own life. What's so great about control? Well in my world, and maybe yours too, Control = Security. If you're in control you get to choose what happens to you and when it happens. You're the one calling the shots and that gives you a sense of security.
I happen to be a very controlling person. Take my Type A personality and couple it with my insecure life experiences and you've got me- white knuckling every situation to try to get things to go my way. I strive to be perfect. I always want to be better. I want our house to be clean and tidy. I want to control when our support comes in and how quickly we get to campus. I want to control John, his actions and responses. I want to control my weight and the acne on my face. I want to control my To Do list that never seems to get done. I want to control my sin by just trying harder to be good. It's all pretty exhausting.
The sad thing is that I'm not even very good at this game. There are people who are much better at this "pretend to be perfect" life. God is showing me that my control issues are out of control. I'm losing at my own game of Try Harder. I mean- of course I'm not in control. I know that in my head. But why can't it sink into my heart?
During this crazy, new, exciting, stressful season of life, Jesus is showing me that I find my security in my ability to control my life. I'm find my self worth in how much I can accomplish each day. I find temporary peace and fleeting satisfaction in crossing things off my To- Do list. I am putting my hope in my own ability to be good. Thinking I can fool God. Thinking I can fool myself.
God is ripping this idol of control from my hands. It's not a fun lesson to learn but He is teaching me that my security is in His hands, that He has ultimate authority over my life. My self worth is found in knowing that I am a daughter of the Creator of the universe. My peace and satisfaction are found in knowing His deep love for me. My hope is not found in being better, trying harder, or any level of goodness. My hope is found in Jesus' grace and forgiveness of my sinful heart.
I don't really want to be in control. I keep fighting Him, but what I really want is for God to be in control. He's a good dad and He loves me and I'm going to choose to trust Him with these every day struggles of life.